Buddy Breathing

Among the maxims of basic scuba training is “Never dive alone”. Wise divers go with a “buddy” to both share the fun and to be able to help each other in case of emergencies like equipment failure. Every diver typically carries more than one mouth piece but in a pinch, divers can share a mouth piece off the same tank while making an emergency ascent. It’s up to each buddy to watch the other and to intervene if needed. If wide eyes and flailing arms aren't enough notice, a dive knife beating on a metal tank will quickly bring a good buddy near with air and support.

Unlike distressed divers we are not so good at letting others see our need for help. It is worth saying again to those starting to flail and at risk of drowning, you are not alone. Please find your trusted buddies and make some noise…ask for help.

On the other hand, bearing each other’s burdens is a burden. Authentic relationships leading to life-giving community take work and sacrifice. It hurts to love hurting people. How can we put our holiday smiles on and ignore this? From Adam’s shame to the final martyr’s last ragged gasp we are a people bound for pain until the King returns. But at the crux of time, God entered and embraced human pain by way of a crying, needy baby, and He left by way of humiliation and agony. With a new definition of love, He left the Church behind to lay down her own life and continue the friendly, sacrificial work of binding, healing, and building up.

So like a good dive buddy, stay close and watch. Cultivate an atmosphere of safety for hurting people. Stay close when there are tears, unpredictable emotions, and raw grief or pain.  Listen hard, remain flexible, and withhold judgment, but stand ready with sturdy truth wrapped in a warm blanket of love. Allow the quiet when there’s no need for words. Ask and do not assume. Good buddies don’t wait when they see distress. They are there with life and comfort, a steady and sure supply they receive themselves from the God of all comfort. They are there with arms ready to bear another slowly upward until breath comes easily again in the open, clear air.

Keep breathing

None of us are whole creatures, but some among us are truly walking wounded. Among other challenges, you may be facing the holidays with grief, depression or anxiety, disability or illness, major life changes, loneliness, unemployment, financial struggles, marital strife, or problems with children. For you, the usual holiday stressors like family visits, elaborate meals, gift exchanges, and even well-worn traditions or home-decorating can become emotional minefields, fraught with potential for overwhelming fear, sadness, or anger. Like the holidays themselves, some sources of stress are unavoidable, but you may have more room than you think to maneuver and face them while avoiding others entirely.

Here are some suggestions and thoughts…no prescriptions.

Decide to be patient with yourself, realistic about your limitations, and accepting of your emotions however they come. Embrace sadness and joy, beauty and pain. There will be ample helpings of each.

You usually have choices. Accept, reject, adapt. Few things (if anything) “must” be done. What was done last year can be changed this year, and changed again next year depending on how it goes. Feel free to be flexible and change your mind on the fly as needed.

Decide what is most important and then plan around that. Think through what you can ahead of time like gift lists, menus, grocery lists, which events to attend or avoid, and which people to seek out or avoid.

Consider less stressful ways to do things like shopping on line or from catalogs, ordering take out or planning for potluck, limiting decorating, and saying “Not this year, but thanks” to event invites that you know would be too much. Ask for help from those you know will support you. Ask for more if you start to drown.

Take care of yourself. Beware the temptation to overindulge as a reaction to stress or emotions. Enjoy the meal or beverage slowly (and dessert too!) but stop when you’re done. Have a walk afterwards. Take every opportunity to relax in the ways you enjoy and get your sleep.

Finally, consider new ways to make the season meaningful. Notice the simple and sacred. Light a candle. Plant a seed. Lift a glass. Give and serve. Worship with and without words. Keep breathing.

The Holidays are here….breathe

A lady in my office regularly emails with the days, hours, and minutes to go until Christmas. I love this lady and Christmas, but I delete her emails unread. I do not dread the holiday season yet I do not live in unending anticipation of its coming.

Heedless of my feelings though, like a force of nature it comes. For me like most, the season’s approach brings a degree of apprehension, usually concerning gift-giving. What to buy for whom? How much to spend? How will I be judged by my gift choices? Our culture unhelpfully adds hyper-indulgence and desperate nostalgia, like Jersey Shore trying to squeeze into a Norman Rockwell painting. With the pressure building, we overload the season with impossible expectations, both our own and other’s. Caught up in the whirlwind, we seek refuge in a far too narrow definition of “holiday-success” which threatens to demand total exhaustion of body, heart, and mind.

SELAH

Let us pause and consider whom and what is most important, and what is not.  Let us identify and plan around whom or what is toxic and stressful, and let us cling to what is good, and peace-, and love-, and life-giving. Let us treat ourselves and each other with gentleness and understanding. Let us ask before we assume. Let us feel free to laugh and to cry, and let us allow each other the same freedom. Church, none of us are whole creatures. Let us notice the wounds. Let us offer and receive Love with open eyes, hands, and hearts.